no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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