She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
