I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
