Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
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He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
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My day in three words: secret purse cake
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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