david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
