2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
