I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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