do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
