i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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