Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
