halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
