I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
