I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
