I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
