I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
