those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
