saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
