I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Someone signed my nipple.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
