god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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