So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
