dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
