Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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