I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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