On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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