While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
