Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
