if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
