FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
