so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
