Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
