If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Sext me about skeletons
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
