I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
