My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
