Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
