So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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