i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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