"it" just moved
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
The uberlube is also flammable
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
