It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
