I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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