They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
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