oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Randomize
