i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
We left the knife in your bed.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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