nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
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my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
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He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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