Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
