If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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