Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
