im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
