i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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