So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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