Where are you?
In a non slutty way
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
