just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
