My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
