God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
