I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
