hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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