Fine. I'll sleep in my office
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
